Tuesday, March 29, 2011

3 tips for dealing with jealousy

By Bob Strauss

3 tips for dealing with jealousy
One of the things that makes “jealousy” such a loaded word is that it’s really a concoction of various other emotions, the exact recipe for which depends on the individual. As Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, phrases it, jealousy “is the fear or worry that someone with whom you have an emotional relationship may be experiencing an attraction toward another person... it generates a host of emotions, such as sadness and inadequacy, or rage and desire for retribution. The sadness comes from the fear of losing the object of your love, and the rage comes from a desire to have it back.”

Fear, worry, sadness, inadequacy, rage — as stark as those emotions sound, you may be surprised to learn that a little jealousy is perfectly healthy (and even normal) in a relationship. No jealousy at all — or huge, seething buckets of it — are a good indication that something has gone amiss. So how do you know if you’re feeling the “right” amount of jealousy, and how do you express it without driving your significant other crazy? Here are some tips.

1. Be honest with yourself. According to Dr. Ish Major, author of Little White Whys: A No Nonsense Guide to the Lies Men Tell in Relationships and Why, some men feel so secure in themselves and in the fidelity of their partners that they experience no jealous feelings whatsoever. Aside from these lucky guys, Major says, most men who refuse to admit to jealousy fall into one of two camps: either “they aren’t paying attention and have no clue that they should feel jealous,” or “they simply don’t care... this type of guy would be more than happy if someone (other than himself) would come and sweep a partner off of her feet and right out of his life.”
Clearly, it’s better to acknowledge (at least to yourself, and perhaps to trusted friends or relatives) the little bit of jealousy you do feel, rather than letting it fester for weeks or months only to explode at a melodramatic moment. Sometimes, just sitting down and writing in a journal will help you to objectively assess your feelings; perusing a hastily scribbled entry, like “Mamie should have been home from the grocery store 20 minutes ago! I KNOW she’s been flirting with the floor manager!” will hopefully make you feel ridiculous enough that you’ll do something more productive than obsessing over your significant other.

2. Express your feelings appropriately. Sometimes, as with that grocery store fantasy, jealousy-provoking scenarios are best left unshared with your partner. If you do decide to unload, Dr. Haltzman says, you should keep in mind that “expressing jealousy is a double-edged sword. It says ‘I care about you enough to be jealous,’ but it also says ‘I don’t trust you.’ I think it’s more important to talk about the experiences that lead to jealousy rather the jealousy itself. So instead of saying ‘I’m really jealous of the time you’re spending with Tommy,’ you might say, ‘I have to admit, I’m a little jealous that you and Tommy went to the movies and then went out afterward.’”

Granted, very few people can discuss their jealous feelings so rationally and calmly. Says Dr. Major, “It’s rarely helpful to express full-fledged anger over an issue that has made you jealous. You can never control a person to determine who flirts with whom and what their respective responses are; just make sure you’re doing everything you should as a mate, because you’re the only one you can fully control in this equation.” What are the signs that you’ve taken your jealous feelings too far? One clue, Dr. Major quips, is that “you notice children and strangers looking on in horror and snapping pictures of you with their phones.”

3. If you’re not feeling it, don’t be afraid to fake it. “Some, if not most, women are absolutely flattered when their partners get jealous,” says Dr. Major. “Think Marilyn Monroe. Think Scarlett O’Hara. For women, a partner’s jealousy serves a multitude of purposes, not the least of which is letting them know they still ‘have it’ and somebody wants it. It also lets them know you’re paying attention and you care.” Not surprisingly, Dr. Major adds, “I am a strong advocate of feigned jealousy. I have used it personally and at times I’ve advised friends and patients to do the same.”

Dr. Haltzman points out, of course, that feigning jealousy (and expressing it) can have unforeseen consequences. “Some women worry that if a guy isn’t jealous, he might not care enough about her. Early in the courtship, she might use jealousy to get the man to pay more attention. If he seems disinterested, she’ll go off and talk to someone else and becomes a more ‘valuable’ partner because other people are attracted to her.” The trouble, Dr. Haltzman concludes, is that “if a woman is used to seeing jealousy as proof of attraction, she may worry when the jealousy disappears” — leading to a vicious cycle of jealousy and jealousy-provoking behavior. What’s the lesson in all of this? Tread carefully when feeling or expressing jealousy, but a little bit can be a good thing!

Bob Strauss is a freelance writer and children’s book author who lives in New York City. He’s also written the Dinosaur guide on About.com, the online information network owned by the New York Times.

11-03-27 Monterey Bay Canners Lunch

Had a fun filled lunch this past Sunday with Richard, Phuong and her friends John, David and David's mom Joyce.  We ate at Monterey Bay Canners located in the Pearlridge Shopping Center.  The food was good but the company was fantastic.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

11-03-26 Hawaii Kai Hot Rod Show

I'm not sayin' who, but someone crapped out on us tonight so...Minh and I went to the Hawaii Kai Town Center for their "Hot Rod Show."  Like last year there were lots of great cars.  Reminder to self...next year use your tripod!

May You Sing Like No One Is Listening

Many times we find ourselves alone thinking no one else is listening.  It is during these times that we can "let loose" and show our true talent.

Click on the link and listen to your hearts content.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

11-03-26 Kamehame Ridge Sunrise

Got up at 4am this morning so I could join my friends in a hike up Kamehame Ridge to take pictures of the sunrise.  It was surprisingly chilly and extremely windy.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Mijonju Show

Shutter Project

Shutter Beats, Collaboration with Cameron Lew

"Hurt" Timi Yuro

From 1961 the little lady with a big voice...


Timi Yuro

I'm so hurt
To think that you lied to me
I'm hurt
Way down deep inside of me
You said your love was true
And we'd never, ever...ever part
Now you want someone new
And it breaks, it breaks my heart
I'm so hurt
Much more...more than you'll ever know
Yes darling, I'm so hurt
Because I still love you so
But... but, even though you hurt me
Like nobody else could ever do
I would never ever hurt... hurt you

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings.  Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work.  Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other.  What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. 

Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. 

Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice.  You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business.  He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles."

I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say

"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job.  I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much.  Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet.  It's too bad you missed your daughter's 'dance recital.'" 

He continued, "let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities."

And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic.  The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years."

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime."

"Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part." 

"It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays."

"I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.  So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had.  I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles.  I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear."

"Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away.  I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.  There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast.  This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container.  I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time.  And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."
"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band.  This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off.  I guess he gave us all a lot to think about.  I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.  Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast."

"What brought this on?" she asked with a smile.

"Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids.  And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out?  I need to buy some marbles."

A friend sent this to me, so I to you, my friend.

And so, as one smart bear once said..."If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh.

Pass this on to all of your FRIENDS, even if it means sending it to the person that sent it to you.

And if you receive this e-mail many times from many different people, it only means that you have many FRIENDS. And if you get it but once, do not be discouraged for you will know that you have at least one good friend...And that would be ME

by Ron Thomas on Tuesday, March 22, 2011 at 7:55pm

11-03-20 Senator Fong's Plantation & Garden

Mrs. Langit, Frank, Richard and I went to Senator Fong's Plantation and Garden today.  We had a guided tour through the gardens.  Our tour guide Patsy was wonderfully informed and made the entire hike very pleasant.

One word of advice...bring mosquito repellent as they will eat you alive.  Other than this one caveat the gardens are beautiful and well worth the price of admission.  The different areas of the gardens are named after Presidents that Senator Fong served under.