Alfred E. Neuman

For those of us that were MAD magazine readers, I offer the following:

"The reason many people are lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory!"

“We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.”

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"

"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll show you the door!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"

"Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgment!"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"

"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"

"How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America?"

"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

"Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"

"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"

"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"

"It's a good idea to save your money. One day it might be worth something again!" 

"Politicians are people who get sworn in and cursed out!" 

"Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are?" 

"America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign."

"When you're in deep water it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!"

"A lawyer is someone who writes a 40-page document and calls it a brief!"

"A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you sore if it happened to you!"

"Most people are too lazy to open the door when opportunity knocks!"

"Most minds are like concrete . . . all mixed up and permanently set! 

"Most people don't act stupid: it's the real thing!"

"A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course!"

"Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for."

"These days, the only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other a liar.

"You know the Honeymoon's over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!"

"Too often, people who want to offer sound advice give more sound than advice!"

"Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and selling your story to T.V.!"

"Ever notice how random chance always picks you for Jury Duty, but not to win the lottery?"

"These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that there're more hoods than neighbors!"

"Crime does not pay ... as well as politics."

"Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between."


“Today it takes more brains and effort to make out the income tax form than it does to make the income.”